Positive Intent

I've been doing a great deal of reflection lately, trying to figure out what is keeping me from reaching my final weight loss goal. Why is it so difficult to stay the course? Don't I want it badly enough? Here's the thing, I know I do. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't think about my weight and getting to goal.

What I've learned is that wanting something badly is not enough to make it happen. I have been snacking -- a lot and not exercising, a bad combination. So it begs the question; what am I getting out of the snacking that makes it more important or worthwhile than losing the weight? I've been listening to some great podcasts on emotional eating and one question that really made me pause is; what is the positive intent of eating when you're not hungry? In the moment before X goes into your mouth what is the intention? Food has been a great soother for me. Bored, happy, sad, lonely, hurt - whatever the emotion, food is what I turn to for comfort, to reward myself. In the short term it makes me feel better, in the long term it's getting me nowhere. For the most part, I don't feel guilty afterwards, but I know it is moving me away from my goal rather than towards it.

I am genuinely at a loss to figure out why if I want this so badly why I do the opposite. I guess if there was a simple answer the diet industry wouldn't make the billions that it does.


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What success requires

An email came across my desk today that really resonated with me. I no longer make resolutions, but it made me pause for a moment to consider how I want to look back on 2013.

To paraphrase the email: anything you achieve in 2013 is determined by the deliberate choices you make every day of the year. To accomplish your goals you have to a) accept that you are accountable and responsible for the choices you make; b) have clear goals to focus on and c) adopt the discipline required to see those goals through to completion.

2012 was a great year and I'm thankful for all that I have in my life. I want to keep striving for success.

I've been banded for almost 3 years now and one of my goals was to get under 200 pounds (my highest was around 297) I have not seen a weight in the 1's in most of my adult life. I got very close in December 2011. I was doing everything right, but every morning, the scale would sit at 200 and I became frustrated. I felt that my hard work was not paying off so I gave up. I stopped working out consistently, I started eating all the wrong things and really pushing my portion sizes and of course, I gained some weight. My clothes still fit, but some things are snugger than I would like. When I was sitting at 200 I could squeeze into size 12 pants and as motivation I bought a whole bunch, but I didn't get a chance to wear most of them as snug quickly became too tight.

So in 2013, my goals are:
1) get under 200 pounds.
2) fit into all of those size 12 pants and lower. I would like to be anywhere between an 8 and a 10.
3) exercise consistently i.e. a minimum of 3 - 4 times a week.
4) weigh myself weekly
5) take some classes that I love like Spin, try Zumba
5) Be able to run 10kms and enter some races.
6) Have fun.

When I look back on 2013 I want to be able to say that I didn't lose sight of my goals. That I stayed the course and succeeded.

What will your 2013 look like?



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Day 2 of breaking the sugar cycle

I got my butt out of bed this morning and ran for 30 minutes. It felt really good, and I was happy to have my workout completed for the day. I have to remind myself of how good exercise makes me feel when I'm trying to talk myself out of getting up early to work out.

Another day of sugar free eating. It's not bad if I plan my meals and snacks in advance. After eating too many chocolate bars and other sweets to count over the past few months I'm sure my body is heaving a huge sigh of relief.


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getting my mojo back

It's been over five months since I lasted posted. I've gained some weight since I hit my low of 200 back in December. I think after working really hard to get below 200 and having the scale stall at 200 ... I mean seriously? Couldn't I have stalled at 199? I kind of stopped caring. I have not given up though.

I am determined to get back in weight loss mode and have started making the changes necessary to do just that. I've started walking at lunch time and planning my meals. I've also stopped the daily chocolate bars that were not helping matters.

Hubby and I are finally making it official and we will be getting married in the fall. I had my first dress trials on Sunday and the experience was great. I had multiple dresses to choose from and most of them were flattering on. I didn't find "the dress" but I know that I will. The experience would have been very different pre band. I'm going to do the Whole 30 for 30 days, (Camille has inspired me) starting on July 3rd. I've got too many things going on in the next 2 weeks to begin before then but I'm committed to doing it. I'll post my results at the end and check in during. I'm also going to try and blog more regularly. I've been keeping up with blogs and have finally figured out how to post comments from my iphone. I'm looking forward to finally, finally getting under 200.


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Hard isn't impossible

On this last day of January I had hoped to lose 4 pounds in the month. That didn't happen, in fact I'm exactly where I was weight wise on jan 1. So why didn't I accomplish my goal? Quick answer is that I didn't do any of the work required. Longer answer is that I didn't work out consistently, didn't track my food, ate far too many sugary snacks and generally did the opposite of what I should have been doing.

I hear myself complaining about how difficult it is for me to get under 200 pounds and it does seem to be a set point for my body. A couple of months ago I was doing everything right. Exercising, tracking calories, no sugar, no
alcohol, only complex carbs and although I lost a few pounds, for almost two weeks my weight hovered at 200 and would not go any lower. I even switched to liquids for a day just to see if I could get the scale moving and it still didn't. So I said f*ck it and of course I gained a few pounds and have remained there.

Over and over I hear myself saying it seems impossible for me to get under 200 pounds. My body just doesn't want to. The truth is that I'm lying to myself. Yes, it's true that I haven't been able to break through that onederland barrier, but I know that I can. It is hard, maybe harder than I think I should have to work to get there, but hard is not impossible.

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Reflections on 2011 and goals for 2012

2011 was a difficult year for lots of reason. A big one was losing my job. It knocked the wind out of my sails. I wish that I had enjoyed my time off more, but didn't as the work of finding a new job can also be all-consuming. I was back to work (at a new job) in a few months and it's been fine, but I'm still trying to figure out what I can do to fill my days with more joy. I was at spin class on new year's eve and the instructor asked us to think about our best moment of  2011 and I couldn't. There wasn't one thing that I could call to mind. Sad, but true and that perfectly sums up my 2011.

I am still working on culling the list of all I want to accomplish in 2012, but first on my list is getting to my goal weight of 159 pounds. That's just over 40 pounds away and totally doable if I lose just 4 pounds a month. So that's what I am going to do. I'll report how I do at the end of each month.

I haven't had a fill in over a year and don't think that I need one. I do plan to go in for an annual visit to my surgery clinic to discuss my port.  It doesn't lie flat, rather it's on an angle which looks really freaky when I'm lying on my back. It's been like that since I went in for my first fill six weeks post surgery. It's really noticeable now as I've lost a good deal of the fat layer. I know that I will need port revision surgery to fix it, something that I'm not looking forward to but will do once I hit my goal weight.

In the almost two years since surgery I have not regretted my decision. I still turn to food for solace sometimes but that happens far, far less frequently than pre-surgery. I am much more confident in myself and my body. I no longer feel trapped under all the weight. I exercise because it feels good. I weigh myself almost every day even when I know the number will be up. This year I want to make my body as strong and as fit as I can. I have accepted that it will never look some of the celebrity bodies I admire but I can make it my best body.

Living in Plateauville

It feels like the scale and my body are taunting me. Every morning I step on the scale hoping that it will be the day that I finally see a number starting with a one and no such luck. I work out everyday except Sunday. I'm careful with my food intake. I have been sugar free and junk food free for over a month. I had a big drop the first couple of weeks and now the scale won't budge down. I've seen 200.5 for far too long now. It's been over 2 weeks. I even did just protein shakes for a day hoping it would have an impact, it didn't. It is super frustrating to do everything right and not see the reward of my hard work.

Why couldn't my weight loss have stalled at 199.5? I'm not quitting though. I am determined to get there before the end of the year so onwards I go.


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Determination

A couple of weeks ago I re-committed to eating better and exercising consistently. So far both have been going well and I've been losing again. But now the scale isn't moving. I lost about 8 pounds the first week and so far this week I've lost only 2 pounds even though I stuck to the same plan as last week. I know I should be fine with it, I guess I just expected more because of the amount of effort I'm putting into planning my meals and working out. I am determined to get to onederland. I've set weekly goals for myself until the week before Christmas and my goal for this coming Monday is 199.5 I'm a pound away and the scale isn't budging. It's frustrating, but rather than backing off which is what I've done a couple of times in the last six months, I am more determined than ever to hit this goal.

The biggest goal I set for myself after WLS was to get to a weight under 200.This is even more monumental to me than getting to my final goal weight. I've been on too many diets to count over the last decade and I was never able to get below 200, I think the closest I ever got was around 215. I'm 200.5 today and have been for the last few days. Every morning I step on the scale hoping that today will be the day that I see 199.5 and although it makes me want to scream. I. am. not. quitting. It will happen.

The reason people why people quit is that they look at how far they have to go, not how far they've come

Love this phrase. Not that I plan on quitting, giving up, throwing in the towel or whatever you want to call it. I also don't want to keep banging my head against the wall which is what I feel like I've been doing by gaining and losing the same few pounds.

In my previous post I mentioned that I have found myself falling back into some pre-band behaviours. The two biggest that are impediments to consistent weight loss for me is sugar consumption and not working out regularly. Sugar is probably the bigger of the two for me because consuming sugar (in all its forms) just causes me to crave it even more. It never seems to be enough. I need to make a clean break from it to get me moving towards the finish line. 

I've been reading quite a bit, doing some research in order to try and figure why I'm re-formed some bad habits and how to break them. One book that I've found very helpful is "Shrink Yourself". The reason it's been helpful for me is that it focuses on emotional eating and why we do it. I know that in order to get to goal and remain there I need to figure the why I use food to soothe myself. Some key points from the book:

• Emotional eating is in your mind, not your stomach
• Food is used as a short-term emotional fix
• Food is used as an all purpose medication. It the short-term we actually (physically) feel better.
• Emotional eating is a habit that can be broken.

I haven't finished reading the book and will write another post once I'm done. It has certainly been mind opening for me.

Getting back to the title of my post and looking at how far I've come; about 21 months ago I was wearing size 22W and 24W pants and 2X and 3X tops. Today I wear size 14 regular pants and mostly medium tops. I can shop anywhere, I'm no longer limited to a handful of stores. I've always loved clothes, but it was really a love/hate relationship as much of what I loved wasn't available in my size. My goal is to get to anywhere between sizes 8 and 10.  I will always be curvy, I'm definitely an hourglass shape and can finally accept it for what it is. I can walk for hours without my feet hurting. I can finally wear full length boots that fit my over my calves. I no longer feel trapped beneath the weight. My outer me is getting much closer to the me inside my head.

Remember to celebrate how far you've come and don't give up!

Accepting my limitations

I didn't accomplish any of the goals I set for September. I thought I would try again in October but the month is almost over and I have not been able to accomplish any. So I have to ask; am I setting myself up for failure? I'll return to that question later.

Over the last couple of months I have found myself falling back into pre surgery behaviour. I eat when I'm bored, lonely, upset, stressed etc. I also tell myself that I'll do better the next day to rationalize the poor food choices. It has become all or nothing. If I don't eat well, I continue to not eat well. If I don't exercise, I continue to not exercise.

At the beginning of this journey I was taking it one day at a time, I don't know how I managed to lose that mindset. It is scary how easy it is to fall back into those patterns that had me weighing almost 300 pounds. I've taken a couple of steps backward and gained about 3 - 4 pounds since setting my September goals. Maybe setting all those goals gave me an excuse to abandon them when i missed a workout or made poor choices for lunch or dinner.

I am going to take a different approach. I am going to go back to taking it one day at a time. I am not going to abandon my goals; hitting onederland is still very important to me. I am not going to use food to make myself feel better. I am going to let myself feel whatever I feel. In the moment, eating X may make me feel temporarily better but it doesn't last. And is only taking me further away from my goals. The only person I am punishing is myself and I should be treating this wonderful body of mine better.


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September goals - Week one wrap up

I did not do well at all last week. In fact I gained 1.5 pounds. I didn't log my food nor did I work out. Instead I ate like I was going into hibernation. Ridiculous.

I will do better this week. I will log my food everyday and post what I eat. I will do a 5k today after work.

I have to do the work required in order to get the results I want.


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September Goals

I'm still here, but been pretty quiet. I  have been bouncing around between 201 and 204 for what seems like forever. I keep saying it, but I really want to see a weight starting with one. I'm so close and yet onderland seems as elusive as ever. I would really like to reach my final goal by the middle of December which is a month before my two year post-surgery date. In order to do that I will have to regain and maintain my focus. I've decided to set goals at the beginning of each month for the remainder of the year. I think this will help to keep me on track. This month I will:

Journal what I eat each day
Work out at least 4 times a week
Lose ten pounds

So close!

I weighed in at 201.5 today! I'm so close to finally weighing something that begins with a one.  I know that for many hitting the onederland mark has been anti-climatic, but for me it's what I've been working towards for sooo long. When I began this journey back at 295 lbs it seemed almost impossible. For over a decade, through many failed diet attempts getting to 1__lbs was all I wanted and I never got there. This time I know that I will. Whether rightly or wrongly through all of this I have told myself that if I could get under 200 lbs then it will be a breeze hitting my final goal; I truly believe it and I don't plan to prove myself wrong. My short-term goal is to get to 199 by July 14th which will be exactly 18 months since surgery.

Staying the course

I was really optimistic the last time I posted that I would finally be in the one's in a few weeks time. No such luck. I've ramped up my workouts and have even joined the gym -- which surprisingly I'm really enjoying. Once I started weight training my weight jumped a few pounds and has remained around the same for much longer than I would like. The interesting thing is that I've dropped about 4% body fat in that same period so maybe there is something to the whole gaining muscle thing. I would really like to FINALLY see a weight starting with a one. Some days I just want to say to heck with it and stop thinking about diet and exercise, but I am going to stay the course. My spirit is already in the elusive "onederland" (I've got about 5 pounds to get there) but it appears that my body is going to have to be dragged kicking and screaming and I'm up for the fight.

Last week I had a bit of an epiphany which has helped me regain my focus. I haven't been blogging in a while because I really didn't have anything useful to say. I didn't want to complain about my lack of weight loss (over four months stalled!) because I knew I wasn't doing the work required to get the scale moving again. That is no longer the case. I'll write more when I hit the first goal I set for myself which should happen in about two weeks. Stay tuned!

I'm still here

Thank goodness February is here. January was not a good month (my position was eliminated at work). It's a strange spot to be in; I've never been without work and I realize now just how much of my identity was tied to my job. This in-between time is challenging, trying to find a balance between job searches and enjoying the time off. I am going to approach this month with much more optimism than the last and know that I will figure it out.

Through all of this my weight has remained pretty stable, it fluctuates up or down a pound or two. I haven't been making any effort to lose weight, but I really need to regain my focus. My goal before all of this happened was to get into the ones and it starts today. Back to working out consistently and eating sensibly.

I hope everyone is doing well.

Happy New Year!

The new year always holds so much promise and possibility. I'm looking forward to living the kind of life I want in 2011 and I wish the same for all of you - a year filled with accomplishments, love, health, happiness and prosperity.

On this day last year I started my two week pre-op diet and although it was hard (day 3 was by far the hardest) I stuck with it.  A year later I am happier, more optimistic about the future and my ability to actually accomplish my goals. I know that I will reach my goal weight this year -- that's not something I would have been able to say a year ago. I know the words to be true -- I will reach my goal weight this year. It's just awesome to be able to say those words and believe them.

I always start the year with some goals and I have eleven for 2011. I'm going to post them in my side bar as well and plan to have them all crossed off the list by 12.31.11.

1. Weight in the ones
2. Weight in normal BMI range (this is also my goal weight)
3. Improve my running pace to 10 minutes / mile and under
4. Run a 10K race
5. Run a half-marathon
6. Do something out of my comfort zone every month
7. Visit France
8. Stick to the budget for the year
9. Take photography lessons
10. Spend more time with the people I love
11. Get back to making things and being creative

Baby it's cold outside!

Temperature this morning when I left the house was -12.5 degrees celcius (9.5 farenheit)and it's not supposed to warm up very much. I'm much colder now with 80+ pounds less on my body but have found that after my morning workout I'm warmer for a few hours. That's good incentive to get my rear out of bed and get on with it.

I've been out to far too many lunches and dinners to count over the last couple of weeks and although I had a game plan it's been challenging sticking to it. I've had some of the best wine and food ever and although I've been eating far less than I would have during the same time last year it's more than I should be eating. I've found it far too easy to say yes to the many tempting treats and they go down so easily. I hit a new low last week (212) but am up a pound this week. I don't think I'll hit my goal of getting into the ones by Christmas but I'm going to keep working on it. I will get there, it's just a matter of time.

There has been some interesting dialogue going on in the blogosphere, much of it has not been kind to the banded. Here's the thing, we are all trying to get healthier and for most of us that involves weight loss. There are many ways to accomplish that goal and we are doing what works for us. For the majority of people who choose gastric banding it is after in-depth research and conversations with medical professionals. It is not something that is entered into lightly and it may not be the best method for everyone.

I know that after losing and gaining weight for over half my life I wanted something that would provide long term results and this is working for me. We have all been successful at losing weight, it's the keeping it off part where many of us struggle. We know the stats; it is very difficult for dieters to maintain their weight loss in the long term. Those that are able to maintain their losses are the fortunate few rather than the norm. How many of us have sworn that we would never regain after a successful diet attempt? I know that I did. The most that I lost on a diet was years ago on WW, about 55 pounds. A year later I had regained most of it, the following year I gained another 30+. I was 100% convinced when I made that vow after WW that I had this thing beat. The embarrassment of regaining plus more started the isolation. I didn't want anyone to see me and so began the self-imposed exile. I would start another diet, stick to it for a few weeks and give up. I have lost the most weight I ever have this year and I'm maintaining what I lose. This is a huge accomplishment and I know that I will reach my goal.

Long-term weight loss is hard regardless of how we do it. There is no best way and there is no prize for how quickly one loses. We need to be kind to ourselves and to each other.

Bit by bit

Weight today is 214, finally closer to 210 than 220 and getting closer to my goal of being in the one's by Christmas.

I was at a dinner party last night and wore a pair of size 14 Gap pants from their new collection. I felt great and got lots of compliments. I hadn't seen some of the friends there since the beginning of this year and they were particularly vocal about my weight loss. As I told them it wasn't overnight, I've been working on this for 10 months - we sometimes forget, me included, that it takes time.  There was lots of good food and wine, but I stuck to my plan and had protein first, a little salad and a bit of cheese. I actually said no to both dessert and wine (!) and stuck with water. Lots more dinners and luncheons to attend in the up coming six weeks, hopefully they will all go as well as this one did.

Keep calm and carry on

I started my Christmas shopping last week as I am determined to have it all done by the end of this month. It makes December so much more pleasurable. I love everything about the holidays; the carols, family and friends, the decorations, church, the food...

The food. In the past, by this time of year I would have given up on whatever diet I was on, either because the weight loss had stalled or I had gained a few pounds. I would rationalize that "it's the holidays" I can eat, drink and be merry until the new year and start again.
This is the first year in a long time that I am not going to use the holidays as an excuse to eat with abandon regardless of the consequences. It's freaking me out a bit as there are already so many meals out that I cannot decline, not to mention all the cookies, chocolate and other goodies at the grocery store. I am developing an action plan to deal with all of this, the first being that none of those treats are coming into the house until just prior to entertaining. Any leftovers will be sent away with guests. Second, I am going to stick to the cardinal rule of protein first for all of those luncheons and dinners out. My challenge will be declining dessert, I'm hoping that I'll be full enough so that I can only have a bite or two or none at all. Third, I am going to make sure that I get my workouts in, no excuses allowed.

I plan to truly enjoy the holidays this year without feeling miserable about my weight for the the first time in a decade.

What is your action plan for the holidays?