Living in Plateauville

It feels like the scale and my body are taunting me. Every morning I step on the scale hoping that it will be the day that I finally see a number starting with a one and no such luck. I work out everyday except Sunday. I'm careful with my food intake. I have been sugar free and junk food free for over a month. I had a big drop the first couple of weeks and now the scale won't budge down. I've seen 200.5 for far too long now. It's been over 2 weeks. I even did just protein shakes for a day hoping it would have an impact, it didn't. It is super frustrating to do everything right and not see the reward of my hard work.

Why couldn't my weight loss have stalled at 199.5? I'm not quitting though. I am determined to get there before the end of the year so onwards I go.


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Determination

A couple of weeks ago I re-committed to eating better and exercising consistently. So far both have been going well and I've been losing again. But now the scale isn't moving. I lost about 8 pounds the first week and so far this week I've lost only 2 pounds even though I stuck to the same plan as last week. I know I should be fine with it, I guess I just expected more because of the amount of effort I'm putting into planning my meals and working out. I am determined to get to onederland. I've set weekly goals for myself until the week before Christmas and my goal for this coming Monday is 199.5 I'm a pound away and the scale isn't budging. It's frustrating, but rather than backing off which is what I've done a couple of times in the last six months, I am more determined than ever to hit this goal.

The biggest goal I set for myself after WLS was to get to a weight under 200.This is even more monumental to me than getting to my final goal weight. I've been on too many diets to count over the last decade and I was never able to get below 200, I think the closest I ever got was around 215. I'm 200.5 today and have been for the last few days. Every morning I step on the scale hoping that today will be the day that I see 199.5 and although it makes me want to scream. I. am. not. quitting. It will happen.

The reason people why people quit is that they look at how far they have to go, not how far they've come

Love this phrase. Not that I plan on quitting, giving up, throwing in the towel or whatever you want to call it. I also don't want to keep banging my head against the wall which is what I feel like I've been doing by gaining and losing the same few pounds.

In my previous post I mentioned that I have found myself falling back into some pre-band behaviours. The two biggest that are impediments to consistent weight loss for me is sugar consumption and not working out regularly. Sugar is probably the bigger of the two for me because consuming sugar (in all its forms) just causes me to crave it even more. It never seems to be enough. I need to make a clean break from it to get me moving towards the finish line. 

I've been reading quite a bit, doing some research in order to try and figure why I'm re-formed some bad habits and how to break them. One book that I've found very helpful is "Shrink Yourself". The reason it's been helpful for me is that it focuses on emotional eating and why we do it. I know that in order to get to goal and remain there I need to figure the why I use food to soothe myself. Some key points from the book:

• Emotional eating is in your mind, not your stomach
• Food is used as a short-term emotional fix
• Food is used as an all purpose medication. It the short-term we actually (physically) feel better.
• Emotional eating is a habit that can be broken.

I haven't finished reading the book and will write another post once I'm done. It has certainly been mind opening for me.

Getting back to the title of my post and looking at how far I've come; about 21 months ago I was wearing size 22W and 24W pants and 2X and 3X tops. Today I wear size 14 regular pants and mostly medium tops. I can shop anywhere, I'm no longer limited to a handful of stores. I've always loved clothes, but it was really a love/hate relationship as much of what I loved wasn't available in my size. My goal is to get to anywhere between sizes 8 and 10.  I will always be curvy, I'm definitely an hourglass shape and can finally accept it for what it is. I can walk for hours without my feet hurting. I can finally wear full length boots that fit my over my calves. I no longer feel trapped beneath the weight. My outer me is getting much closer to the me inside my head.

Remember to celebrate how far you've come and don't give up!

Accepting my limitations

I didn't accomplish any of the goals I set for September. I thought I would try again in October but the month is almost over and I have not been able to accomplish any. So I have to ask; am I setting myself up for failure? I'll return to that question later.

Over the last couple of months I have found myself falling back into pre surgery behaviour. I eat when I'm bored, lonely, upset, stressed etc. I also tell myself that I'll do better the next day to rationalize the poor food choices. It has become all or nothing. If I don't eat well, I continue to not eat well. If I don't exercise, I continue to not exercise.

At the beginning of this journey I was taking it one day at a time, I don't know how I managed to lose that mindset. It is scary how easy it is to fall back into those patterns that had me weighing almost 300 pounds. I've taken a couple of steps backward and gained about 3 - 4 pounds since setting my September goals. Maybe setting all those goals gave me an excuse to abandon them when i missed a workout or made poor choices for lunch or dinner.

I am going to take a different approach. I am going to go back to taking it one day at a time. I am not going to abandon my goals; hitting onederland is still very important to me. I am not going to use food to make myself feel better. I am going to let myself feel whatever I feel. In the moment, eating X may make me feel temporarily better but it doesn't last. And is only taking me further away from my goals. The only person I am punishing is myself and I should be treating this wonderful body of mine better.


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September goals - Week one wrap up

I did not do well at all last week. In fact I gained 1.5 pounds. I didn't log my food nor did I work out. Instead I ate like I was going into hibernation. Ridiculous.

I will do better this week. I will log my food everyday and post what I eat. I will do a 5k today after work.

I have to do the work required in order to get the results I want.


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September Goals

I'm still here, but been pretty quiet. I  have been bouncing around between 201 and 204 for what seems like forever. I keep saying it, but I really want to see a weight starting with one. I'm so close and yet onderland seems as elusive as ever. I would really like to reach my final goal by the middle of December which is a month before my two year post-surgery date. In order to do that I will have to regain and maintain my focus. I've decided to set goals at the beginning of each month for the remainder of the year. I think this will help to keep me on track. This month I will:

Journal what I eat each day
Work out at least 4 times a week
Lose ten pounds

So close!

I weighed in at 201.5 today! I'm so close to finally weighing something that begins with a one.  I know that for many hitting the onederland mark has been anti-climatic, but for me it's what I've been working towards for sooo long. When I began this journey back at 295 lbs it seemed almost impossible. For over a decade, through many failed diet attempts getting to 1__lbs was all I wanted and I never got there. This time I know that I will. Whether rightly or wrongly through all of this I have told myself that if I could get under 200 lbs then it will be a breeze hitting my final goal; I truly believe it and I don't plan to prove myself wrong. My short-term goal is to get to 199 by July 14th which will be exactly 18 months since surgery.

Staying the course

I was really optimistic the last time I posted that I would finally be in the one's in a few weeks time. No such luck. I've ramped up my workouts and have even joined the gym -- which surprisingly I'm really enjoying. Once I started weight training my weight jumped a few pounds and has remained around the same for much longer than I would like. The interesting thing is that I've dropped about 4% body fat in that same period so maybe there is something to the whole gaining muscle thing. I would really like to FINALLY see a weight starting with a one. Some days I just want to say to heck with it and stop thinking about diet and exercise, but I am going to stay the course. My spirit is already in the elusive "onederland" (I've got about 5 pounds to get there) but it appears that my body is going to have to be dragged kicking and screaming and I'm up for the fight.

Last week I had a bit of an epiphany which has helped me regain my focus. I haven't been blogging in a while because I really didn't have anything useful to say. I didn't want to complain about my lack of weight loss (over four months stalled!) because I knew I wasn't doing the work required to get the scale moving again. That is no longer the case. I'll write more when I hit the first goal I set for myself which should happen in about two weeks. Stay tuned!

I'm still here

Thank goodness February is here. January was not a good month (my position was eliminated at work). It's a strange spot to be in; I've never been without work and I realize now just how much of my identity was tied to my job. This in-between time is challenging, trying to find a balance between job searches and enjoying the time off. I am going to approach this month with much more optimism than the last and know that I will figure it out.

Through all of this my weight has remained pretty stable, it fluctuates up or down a pound or two. I haven't been making any effort to lose weight, but I really need to regain my focus. My goal before all of this happened was to get into the ones and it starts today. Back to working out consistently and eating sensibly.

I hope everyone is doing well.

Happy New Year!

The new year always holds so much promise and possibility. I'm looking forward to living the kind of life I want in 2011 and I wish the same for all of you - a year filled with accomplishments, love, health, happiness and prosperity.

On this day last year I started my two week pre-op diet and although it was hard (day 3 was by far the hardest) I stuck with it.  A year later I am happier, more optimistic about the future and my ability to actually accomplish my goals. I know that I will reach my goal weight this year -- that's not something I would have been able to say a year ago. I know the words to be true -- I will reach my goal weight this year. It's just awesome to be able to say those words and believe them.

I always start the year with some goals and I have eleven for 2011. I'm going to post them in my side bar as well and plan to have them all crossed off the list by 12.31.11.

1. Weight in the ones
2. Weight in normal BMI range (this is also my goal weight)
3. Improve my running pace to 10 minutes / mile and under
4. Run a 10K race
5. Run a half-marathon
6. Do something out of my comfort zone every month
7. Visit France
8. Stick to the budget for the year
9. Take photography lessons
10. Spend more time with the people I love
11. Get back to making things and being creative