Positive Intent

I've been doing a great deal of reflection lately, trying to figure out what is keeping me from reaching my final weight loss goal. Why is it so difficult to stay the course? Don't I want it badly enough? Here's the thing, I know I do. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't think about my weight and getting to goal.

What I've learned is that wanting something badly is not enough to make it happen. I have been snacking -- a lot and not exercising, a bad combination. So it begs the question; what am I getting out of the snacking that makes it more important or worthwhile than losing the weight? I've been listening to some great podcasts on emotional eating and one question that really made me pause is; what is the positive intent of eating when you're not hungry? In the moment before X goes into your mouth what is the intention? Food has been a great soother for me. Bored, happy, sad, lonely, hurt - whatever the emotion, food is what I turn to for comfort, to reward myself. In the short term it makes me feel better, in the long term it's getting me nowhere. For the most part, I don't feel guilty afterwards, but I know it is moving me away from my goal rather than towards it.

I am genuinely at a loss to figure out why if I want this so badly why I do the opposite. I guess if there was a simple answer the diet industry wouldn't make the billions that it does.


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What success requires

An email came across my desk today that really resonated with me. I no longer make resolutions, but it made me pause for a moment to consider how I want to look back on 2013.

To paraphrase the email: anything you achieve in 2013 is determined by the deliberate choices you make every day of the year. To accomplish your goals you have to a) accept that you are accountable and responsible for the choices you make; b) have clear goals to focus on and c) adopt the discipline required to see those goals through to completion.

2012 was a great year and I'm thankful for all that I have in my life. I want to keep striving for success.

I've been banded for almost 3 years now and one of my goals was to get under 200 pounds (my highest was around 297) I have not seen a weight in the 1's in most of my adult life. I got very close in December 2011. I was doing everything right, but every morning, the scale would sit at 200 and I became frustrated. I felt that my hard work was not paying off so I gave up. I stopped working out consistently, I started eating all the wrong things and really pushing my portion sizes and of course, I gained some weight. My clothes still fit, but some things are snugger than I would like. When I was sitting at 200 I could squeeze into size 12 pants and as motivation I bought a whole bunch, but I didn't get a chance to wear most of them as snug quickly became too tight.

So in 2013, my goals are:
1) get under 200 pounds.
2) fit into all of those size 12 pants and lower. I would like to be anywhere between an 8 and a 10.
3) exercise consistently i.e. a minimum of 3 - 4 times a week.
4) weigh myself weekly
5) take some classes that I love like Spin, try Zumba
5) Be able to run 10kms and enter some races.
6) Have fun.

When I look back on 2013 I want to be able to say that I didn't lose sight of my goals. That I stayed the course and succeeded.

What will your 2013 look like?



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Day 2 of breaking the sugar cycle

I got my butt out of bed this morning and ran for 30 minutes. It felt really good, and I was happy to have my workout completed for the day. I have to remind myself of how good exercise makes me feel when I'm trying to talk myself out of getting up early to work out.

Another day of sugar free eating. It's not bad if I plan my meals and snacks in advance. After eating too many chocolate bars and other sweets to count over the past few months I'm sure my body is heaving a huge sigh of relief.


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getting my mojo back

It's been over five months since I lasted posted. I've gained some weight since I hit my low of 200 back in December. I think after working really hard to get below 200 and having the scale stall at 200 ... I mean seriously? Couldn't I have stalled at 199? I kind of stopped caring. I have not given up though.

I am determined to get back in weight loss mode and have started making the changes necessary to do just that. I've started walking at lunch time and planning my meals. I've also stopped the daily chocolate bars that were not helping matters.

Hubby and I are finally making it official and we will be getting married in the fall. I had my first dress trials on Sunday and the experience was great. I had multiple dresses to choose from and most of them were flattering on. I didn't find "the dress" but I know that I will. The experience would have been very different pre band. I'm going to do the Whole 30 for 30 days, (Camille has inspired me) starting on July 3rd. I've got too many things going on in the next 2 weeks to begin before then but I'm committed to doing it. I'll post my results at the end and check in during. I'm also going to try and blog more regularly. I've been keeping up with blogs and have finally figured out how to post comments from my iphone. I'm looking forward to finally, finally getting under 200.


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Hard isn't impossible

On this last day of January I had hoped to lose 4 pounds in the month. That didn't happen, in fact I'm exactly where I was weight wise on jan 1. So why didn't I accomplish my goal? Quick answer is that I didn't do any of the work required. Longer answer is that I didn't work out consistently, didn't track my food, ate far too many sugary snacks and generally did the opposite of what I should have been doing.

I hear myself complaining about how difficult it is for me to get under 200 pounds and it does seem to be a set point for my body. A couple of months ago I was doing everything right. Exercising, tracking calories, no sugar, no
alcohol, only complex carbs and although I lost a few pounds, for almost two weeks my weight hovered at 200 and would not go any lower. I even switched to liquids for a day just to see if I could get the scale moving and it still didn't. So I said f*ck it and of course I gained a few pounds and have remained there.

Over and over I hear myself saying it seems impossible for me to get under 200 pounds. My body just doesn't want to. The truth is that I'm lying to myself. Yes, it's true that I haven't been able to break through that onederland barrier, but I know that I can. It is hard, maybe harder than I think I should have to work to get there, but hard is not impossible.

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Reflections on 2011 and goals for 2012

2011 was a difficult year for lots of reason. A big one was losing my job. It knocked the wind out of my sails. I wish that I had enjoyed my time off more, but didn't as the work of finding a new job can also be all-consuming. I was back to work (at a new job) in a few months and it's been fine, but I'm still trying to figure out what I can do to fill my days with more joy. I was at spin class on new year's eve and the instructor asked us to think about our best moment of  2011 and I couldn't. There wasn't one thing that I could call to mind. Sad, but true and that perfectly sums up my 2011.

I am still working on culling the list of all I want to accomplish in 2012, but first on my list is getting to my goal weight of 159 pounds. That's just over 40 pounds away and totally doable if I lose just 4 pounds a month. So that's what I am going to do. I'll report how I do at the end of each month.

I haven't had a fill in over a year and don't think that I need one. I do plan to go in for an annual visit to my surgery clinic to discuss my port.  It doesn't lie flat, rather it's on an angle which looks really freaky when I'm lying on my back. It's been like that since I went in for my first fill six weeks post surgery. It's really noticeable now as I've lost a good deal of the fat layer. I know that I will need port revision surgery to fix it, something that I'm not looking forward to but will do once I hit my goal weight.

In the almost two years since surgery I have not regretted my decision. I still turn to food for solace sometimes but that happens far, far less frequently than pre-surgery. I am much more confident in myself and my body. I no longer feel trapped under all the weight. I exercise because it feels good. I weigh myself almost every day even when I know the number will be up. This year I want to make my body as strong and as fit as I can. I have accepted that it will never look some of the celebrity bodies I admire but I can make it my best body.

Living in Plateauville

It feels like the scale and my body are taunting me. Every morning I step on the scale hoping that it will be the day that I finally see a number starting with a one and no such luck. I work out everyday except Sunday. I'm careful with my food intake. I have been sugar free and junk food free for over a month. I had a big drop the first couple of weeks and now the scale won't budge down. I've seen 200.5 for far too long now. It's been over 2 weeks. I even did just protein shakes for a day hoping it would have an impact, it didn't. It is super frustrating to do everything right and not see the reward of my hard work.

Why couldn't my weight loss have stalled at 199.5? I'm not quitting though. I am determined to get there before the end of the year so onwards I go.


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