Hard isn't impossible

On this last day of January I had hoped to lose 4 pounds in the month. That didn't happen, in fact I'm exactly where I was weight wise on jan 1. So why didn't I accomplish my goal? Quick answer is that I didn't do any of the work required. Longer answer is that I didn't work out consistently, didn't track my food, ate far too many sugary snacks and generally did the opposite of what I should have been doing.

I hear myself complaining about how difficult it is for me to get under 200 pounds and it does seem to be a set point for my body. A couple of months ago I was doing everything right. Exercising, tracking calories, no sugar, no
alcohol, only complex carbs and although I lost a few pounds, for almost two weeks my weight hovered at 200 and would not go any lower. I even switched to liquids for a day just to see if I could get the scale moving and it still didn't. So I said f*ck it and of course I gained a few pounds and have remained there.

Over and over I hear myself saying it seems impossible for me to get under 200 pounds. My body just doesn't want to. The truth is that I'm lying to myself. Yes, it's true that I haven't been able to break through that onederland barrier, but I know that I can. It is hard, maybe harder than I think I should have to work to get there, but hard is not impossible.

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Reflections on 2011 and goals for 2012

2011 was a difficult year for lots of reason. A big one was losing my job. It knocked the wind out of my sails. I wish that I had enjoyed my time off more, but didn't as the work of finding a new job can also be all-consuming. I was back to work (at a new job) in a few months and it's been fine, but I'm still trying to figure out what I can do to fill my days with more joy. I was at spin class on new year's eve and the instructor asked us to think about our best moment of  2011 and I couldn't. There wasn't one thing that I could call to mind. Sad, but true and that perfectly sums up my 2011.

I am still working on culling the list of all I want to accomplish in 2012, but first on my list is getting to my goal weight of 159 pounds. That's just over 40 pounds away and totally doable if I lose just 4 pounds a month. So that's what I am going to do. I'll report how I do at the end of each month.

I haven't had a fill in over a year and don't think that I need one. I do plan to go in for an annual visit to my surgery clinic to discuss my port.  It doesn't lie flat, rather it's on an angle which looks really freaky when I'm lying on my back. It's been like that since I went in for my first fill six weeks post surgery. It's really noticeable now as I've lost a good deal of the fat layer. I know that I will need port revision surgery to fix it, something that I'm not looking forward to but will do once I hit my goal weight.

In the almost two years since surgery I have not regretted my decision. I still turn to food for solace sometimes but that happens far, far less frequently than pre-surgery. I am much more confident in myself and my body. I no longer feel trapped under all the weight. I exercise because it feels good. I weigh myself almost every day even when I know the number will be up. This year I want to make my body as strong and as fit as I can. I have accepted that it will never look some of the celebrity bodies I admire but I can make it my best body.

Living in Plateauville

It feels like the scale and my body are taunting me. Every morning I step on the scale hoping that it will be the day that I finally see a number starting with a one and no such luck. I work out everyday except Sunday. I'm careful with my food intake. I have been sugar free and junk food free for over a month. I had a big drop the first couple of weeks and now the scale won't budge down. I've seen 200.5 for far too long now. It's been over 2 weeks. I even did just protein shakes for a day hoping it would have an impact, it didn't. It is super frustrating to do everything right and not see the reward of my hard work.

Why couldn't my weight loss have stalled at 199.5? I'm not quitting though. I am determined to get there before the end of the year so onwards I go.


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Determination

A couple of weeks ago I re-committed to eating better and exercising consistently. So far both have been going well and I've been losing again. But now the scale isn't moving. I lost about 8 pounds the first week and so far this week I've lost only 2 pounds even though I stuck to the same plan as last week. I know I should be fine with it, I guess I just expected more because of the amount of effort I'm putting into planning my meals and working out. I am determined to get to onederland. I've set weekly goals for myself until the week before Christmas and my goal for this coming Monday is 199.5 I'm a pound away and the scale isn't budging. It's frustrating, but rather than backing off which is what I've done a couple of times in the last six months, I am more determined than ever to hit this goal.

The biggest goal I set for myself after WLS was to get to a weight under 200.This is even more monumental to me than getting to my final goal weight. I've been on too many diets to count over the last decade and I was never able to get below 200, I think the closest I ever got was around 215. I'm 200.5 today and have been for the last few days. Every morning I step on the scale hoping that today will be the day that I see 199.5 and although it makes me want to scream. I. am. not. quitting. It will happen.

The reason people why people quit is that they look at how far they have to go, not how far they've come

Love this phrase. Not that I plan on quitting, giving up, throwing in the towel or whatever you want to call it. I also don't want to keep banging my head against the wall which is what I feel like I've been doing by gaining and losing the same few pounds.

In my previous post I mentioned that I have found myself falling back into some pre-band behaviours. The two biggest that are impediments to consistent weight loss for me is sugar consumption and not working out regularly. Sugar is probably the bigger of the two for me because consuming sugar (in all its forms) just causes me to crave it even more. It never seems to be enough. I need to make a clean break from it to get me moving towards the finish line. 

I've been reading quite a bit, doing some research in order to try and figure why I'm re-formed some bad habits and how to break them. One book that I've found very helpful is "Shrink Yourself". The reason it's been helpful for me is that it focuses on emotional eating and why we do it. I know that in order to get to goal and remain there I need to figure the why I use food to soothe myself. Some key points from the book:

• Emotional eating is in your mind, not your stomach
• Food is used as a short-term emotional fix
• Food is used as an all purpose medication. It the short-term we actually (physically) feel better.
• Emotional eating is a habit that can be broken.

I haven't finished reading the book and will write another post once I'm done. It has certainly been mind opening for me.

Getting back to the title of my post and looking at how far I've come; about 21 months ago I was wearing size 22W and 24W pants and 2X and 3X tops. Today I wear size 14 regular pants and mostly medium tops. I can shop anywhere, I'm no longer limited to a handful of stores. I've always loved clothes, but it was really a love/hate relationship as much of what I loved wasn't available in my size. My goal is to get to anywhere between sizes 8 and 10.  I will always be curvy, I'm definitely an hourglass shape and can finally accept it for what it is. I can walk for hours without my feet hurting. I can finally wear full length boots that fit my over my calves. I no longer feel trapped beneath the weight. My outer me is getting much closer to the me inside my head.

Remember to celebrate how far you've come and don't give up!

Accepting my limitations

I didn't accomplish any of the goals I set for September. I thought I would try again in October but the month is almost over and I have not been able to accomplish any. So I have to ask; am I setting myself up for failure? I'll return to that question later.

Over the last couple of months I have found myself falling back into pre surgery behaviour. I eat when I'm bored, lonely, upset, stressed etc. I also tell myself that I'll do better the next day to rationalize the poor food choices. It has become all or nothing. If I don't eat well, I continue to not eat well. If I don't exercise, I continue to not exercise.

At the beginning of this journey I was taking it one day at a time, I don't know how I managed to lose that mindset. It is scary how easy it is to fall back into those patterns that had me weighing almost 300 pounds. I've taken a couple of steps backward and gained about 3 - 4 pounds since setting my September goals. Maybe setting all those goals gave me an excuse to abandon them when i missed a workout or made poor choices for lunch or dinner.

I am going to take a different approach. I am going to go back to taking it one day at a time. I am not going to abandon my goals; hitting onederland is still very important to me. I am not going to use food to make myself feel better. I am going to let myself feel whatever I feel. In the moment, eating X may make me feel temporarily better but it doesn't last. And is only taking me further away from my goals. The only person I am punishing is myself and I should be treating this wonderful body of mine better.


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September goals - Week one wrap up

I did not do well at all last week. In fact I gained 1.5 pounds. I didn't log my food nor did I work out. Instead I ate like I was going into hibernation. Ridiculous.

I will do better this week. I will log my food everyday and post what I eat. I will do a 5k today after work.

I have to do the work required in order to get the results I want.


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