An excerpt from my journal circa 2000

"I don't know when it happened, when I got lost or rather when I lost myself. I went for my yearly physical last Monday and according to the doctor's scale I weigh 210 pounds. When I saw the number I couldn't believe it. Part of me knew it was bad, but where, when, how? When did I give up on myself? I have lost sight of everything and I don't know how to find my way back. I do know that I have to lose this weight. I must, it cannot be good for my health and this is not me. I do take complete responsibility for gaining all of this weight, it was my doing. It is easier to keep sinking than to try and pull myself up, but no more it has to stop."
--------------------
I recently found some old journals and the above entry. When I had my first consultation for lap-band surgery, I weighed 295 pounds and at the start of my pre-op diet in January I was 292.5. It has taken me a while to find my way, but I truly believe that I have.
I weighed anywhere from 125 - 140 through most of my teens. Then things seemed to start spiraling out of control around me and I turned to food for comfort and stopped working out (I had always worked out). I gained weight very quickly; I moved from 130-something to 210 in less than  5 years. I haven't been out of the 2's since that physical in 2000.  I feel great about myself even though I weigh more than I did when I made that journal entry. It's amazing how the perspective changes. I know for some bloggers reaching the 1's has been anti-climatic, but for me it's been an elusive goal for over a decade. I finally believe and know that I will get there.

Vegas baby, Vegas!

It feels like I've been travelling none stop for the last  month or so. I was recently in Vegas and had a blast. It was a bit of a spontaneous trip and something I wouldn't have done pre-band. I stayed up late and got up early, got dressed up every night, ate some great food, had a few drinks... It felt good to feel good in my skin.  I'm still recovering from all the travelling and really want to focus on getting these 20 pounds off and hitting the 1's by mid to late December. In order to do that I need to refocus on meal planning and exercise. 

Lately I've been grazing a lot; eating far more chocolate that I have in many months and not paying any attention to my caloric intake. Interestingly, the scale hasn't moved. Every morning I step on it expecting a gain and it hasn't happened and because it hasn't I keep grazing. It has to stop. Tomorrow I'm going to run 5K and plan and shop for my meals for the week. I'm aiming for 2 pounds down this coming week. From now until the time I hit the one's I'm going to post how I do each week. It will help to keep me accountable and focused. Onwards and upwards!

Back to reality

I've been away for a while and finally have a chance to post. M and I headed south for a few weeks of R & R. We rented a villa on the beach and had a great time.

I had my good share of frozen watermelon margaritas (so yummy!) along with good food and dessert.It was tough the first couple of days to not be able to step on the scale, but I soon got over it. The band really helped me to limit my portions and I was only up 2 pounds when I came back which I've since lost plus a bit more to bring me to a new low. I'm determined to be in the ones by mid-December and I think that is totally attainable, I'm going to do my darndest to get there.

It sounds like the BOOBS event was a resounding success. I still have to catch up on all of the posts of those that attended plus all of your other posts!

Hope everyone is doing well and Happy Thanksgiving to my fellow Canadians.

BYOC Friday - a day late

Thank-you for your comments on my previous post. It's very easy to get caught up in the weight loss/rate of loss continuum. 

------

BYOC

1. If a major newspaper wrote an article about you today, what would the headline be?

• 
  
  Managed to remain calm despite all the chaos around her. 

2. Name one thing you like about being an adult.

• 
  
    Being able to do whatever I want, whenever I want and not having to ask permission.

3. What was your favorite Saturday morning cartoon when you were a kid?

• 
  
  I loved the Smurfs. My sister, brother and I would get up early on Saturday and get our cereal ready for an hour and a half of entertainment. I thought Papa Smurf was so kind, but I had a special fondness for Gargamel and his cat Azrael.

4. When is the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt about them?

• One of my closest friends. We haven't seen each other in a while, most of it my doing and I sent her a note to let her know how much I miss her. Distance is a factor, but we're making plans to get together soon.

5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in life and in blogland.

• I've been working on increasing my running speed and it's been tough, really tough. I'm sticking with it though because I know this body of mine can handle it.
• I tend to work long days so don't get much time to post or to visit blogs during the week, but I try to keep up on my mobile phone. Unfortunately,  I can't view many of your blogs or comment that way but know that I'm cheering you all on.

Have a fabulous weekend!

Ramblings

The fill I got last week is really doing its job and I am now down 70 pounds. I haven't been doing my daily workouts this week as I've been battling a summer cold (those are the worst), but I've been keeping track of my calories. 1,200 or so seems to be the magic number. I'll bump it up a bit once I start working out again but it seems to be doing the trick.

I need exercise and really miss it when I don't. I'm not nearly as congested as I was a few days ago and plan to start running again tomorrow. I've set a goal of running my first 10K in the fall, just need to sign up.

I have been searching through photos to find some of me at my heaviest and so far no luck. I was really good at avoiding the camera. In the age of digital photography I aslo made sure that I deleted any that had me in them. I did save a couple of pairs of trousers from my heaviest and try them on occasionally when I need to remind myself that I am making progress. I would highly recommend it as it seems to make it more real - at least it does for me.

A couple of days ago I found the negative self-talk slipping in - some of the chatter: I should have lost more weight by now, I still have over sixty pounds to lose, why can't I just stick to 800 calories and exercise 2 hours a day and get it done ... and on and on it went. Then the voice of reason chimed in and reminded me that I have lost a significant amount of weight. That I am exercising. That I am living my life, I'm happier, more at peace with  myself and all the while I continue to lose.  Sometimes we need to be our own cheerleaders.

Fifth Fill

I finally bit the bullet and had my fifth fill yesterday. My last fill was almost 2 1/2 months ago and I had good restriction for maybe a month of that. I didn't want to get another fill because I was worried about being too tight. I also thought I could just do it on my own and stick to one cup of food. Uh, hello? Isn't that why I got the band? I've been able to eat pretty much everything and it's very difficult to exercise restraint when I was still hungry after my meals.

My clinic doesn't tell me how much of  a fill they're giving or how much I have in my band because they've found that people get fixated on the number. I have a pretty good idea though as I've been keeping track and can figure it out based on how much liquid is in the syringe (aren't I clever ;)). I'm somewhere between 6.75 & 7ccs in my 10 cc band. I'm already feeling the difference.

Have a fantastic weekend!

Half-way there

I didn't realize until today that I'm half-way to my goal. I've been too busy eating and not exercising to notice. After my last post where I said I was going get stricter with my eating plan and exercise I've done the absolute opposite. The interesting thing is that the scale is actually moving down, but I know it won't remain that way if I keep this up. I've signed up for some spin classes with the first one on Saturday. The last time I took a class was a few years ago. I'm looking forward to it but not how sore my tush and the rest of me will be.